It's All About Growth

Many of you know I've been going through some stuff lately. Sort of a metaphorical heart-injury, like a strain or sprain - causing me to slow down a bit and reconsider some spiritual, emotional, relational, and practical issues. I've been really focused on taking care of myself, and asking for what I need - and I can tell my heart is healing, and growing and stretching, thanks to good self-care and support from loving friends (you know who you are!).

What I'm really needing right now - my birthday request - is to hear from YOU, with some kind of meaningful words... something you've been meaning to tell me but needed an invitation (here it is!), an affirmation or observation, something you like about me, a suggestion for future plans, a favorite memory... that sort of thing.

At the Beloved Festival, I'll have a box and some index cards and some pens available. But here, my request is that you either email me privately (kristihartlmt@gmail.com) or send it through the regular mail (PO Box 7309, Salem, OR 97303).

I've never asked for this sort of thing before, and I'm really curious and excited what you will come up with. I invite you to take a moment to celebrate ME (isn't that what birthdays are for?), and mark the beginning of a new chapter in this life of mine. My life is rich right now with wonderful people and my heart is full of gratitude as I write this. May I always be able to fulfill YOUR birthday wishes as much as you fulfill mine.

Blessings,

Mango / Kristi

Wow - what an adventure! I'm super happy to be home and clean while writing this. I come home feeling a lot of gratitude, and although I didn't have the best time, I can't wait to do it again next year. This years' burn for me became about solving a problem - making sure we could get home. Almost everything I did was related to that. So, I didn't take any pictures (never got my camera out) and didn't do any playa mail or workshops like I would have liked to do. The best parts were: traveling and camping with Koren in our trailer, our campmates were wonderful, the weather was mostly good, and helpful friends both on and off the playa. Oh, and of course, all the usual things that are wonderful about Burning Man - the dust, the costumes, the art, altered states, the Burn, the shady chill time, making new friends, taking care of myself, etc. I always come home feeling really good in my body and with a new sense of patience and gratitude and drive to get things done.

We left a little later than we'd hoped, on Saturday evening. I pretty much did all the packing and shopping, since Koren had to work. This year, I brought 2 gallons of extra gas so we wouldn't run out on our way back to Cedarville, like I've almost done every year. Looking forward to not worrying about *that*. We spent Saturday night in Klamath Falls at Colleen's time share and enjoyed one last shower and a breakfast visit with her and Bob before heading to BRC on Sunday. We arrived about 5 pm on Sunday, just in time to have a few drinks, set up one carport, and go explore the city a bit. I had a few too many margaritas that night. Oops.

Monday morning, we began setting up camp, and the wind/duststorm hit. It lasted pretty much all day and into the evening on Monday. We spent most of the day hunkered down in the trailer, which was pretty good protection from the dust. For next year, we'll have it more company-friendly. There wasn't a lot of space to invite people in this time. I went to bed fairly early Monday while Koren went out with some friends.

Tuesday was clear and all our campmates were there so we set up camp. A total of three carports and two of these dome/teepee things - one became the Snuggleden which was nicely joined to a carport with a parachute on loan from Paul and Anna. We joined up with the Flying Monkey camp, and they had these dome/teepee things, and about 300 flying monkeys that scream when they sail through the air. They were a kick! We shot them at passers-by and had a great time. Something so simple was so entertaining. People loved them. So on Tuesday morning, I got this brilliant idea to put our gas in the gas tank so I wouldn't have to worry about it leaking (it was) and moving it to the shade all the time. I mentioned my idea to Koren, who also thought it was a good idea, and he said he'd take care of it in a minute, no problem. Meanwhile, one of my campmates had used a red gasoline jug for his drinking water (don't ever do this!), and it was on the ground near our truck. Koren picked up the gas can by the truck - since he didn't pack, he wouldn't have known ours was different - and, well, the rest of the week for me became about how to get water out of our gas tank. We did go for a walk and do some exploring Tuesday afternoon, and I went out for a while while he crashed out, but all the rest of that night I tossed and turned and was unbelievably stressed out.

Wednesday morning, I rode my bicycle to the phone at 3:30 and Esplanade and called my dad. My dad said to go ahead and fix it (i.e. before calling emergency road service), and told me how. That's what I needed to hear - I didn't want to compound the problem by making a decision he'd disagree with, since it was his truck. Our connection was sketchy, so I said to email me and I'd try to find someone with internet access since there's wifi at Playa Info. My campmate (who was responsible for this) went with me and put an announcement on BMIR that we needed help. At Playa Info, I ran into Minxy, who said her man was just the man to fix this, and had a siphon and would be over to help me later that day. What a relief! I never saw or heard from them again the rest of the week. I got back to camp just in time to realize I'd missed the one thing I'd actually planned to do out there - the playa-wide ecstatic dance, initiated by Albert, broadcast on BMIR. Ah, well, I hope it was a success anyway. Sorry, Albert! Wednesday night, Koren and I went out looking at art and had a great time together and a bit of a mind trip and some good conversation. I learned a lot about autonomy that night, as well. It's different camping with a boyfriend after camping as a single person for so many years. We had a good balance of time together and apart, though.

By Thursday evening I had lined up a few empty jugs to put the gas/water mixture in, and the Rangers' Hazmat had agreed to pick it up. I just needed to get it out of there, and get new gas. And get my dad's email with instructions. So I paid a visit to Shrooom and Chris, and we all went to Playa Info to use their wifi. We couldn't get on. By Thursday night, I still hadn't found anyone to help us and hadn't heard from Minxy or gotten online, so I called my dad again. It's not like you can just pick up the phone out there. There's ONE internet phone someone's set up, and usually a line of people waiting to use it. And, we were camped at 9:00 and Edsel, the phone was at 3:30 and Esplanade. Anyway, I finally got on the phone with him, and he explained exactly how to do it (siphon most of it out, disconnect the fuel from the engine and turn the key to run the pump and get the last bit out of there, then put rubbing alcohol in the tank to disperse any remaining water, then add new gas and viola!) but I went away with a sense of confidence that I could get the job done myself, all I needed was a siphon hose and a quart of rubbing alcohol and someone to identify where the fuel goes into the engine so I could disconnect that. I went back to the trailer where Koren was still crashed out, so I went out to the Esplanade and watched a fire show at "And then there's only LOVE". About midnight I started getting cold and went to bed.

Friday morning I set out again, on a mission for rubbing alcohol and a mechanic. Friday afternoon I looked under the hood and realized I had no idea about doing this myself and had another pretty good meltdown. Also, I was supposed to hook up with my friend NoGo, but it's pretty tricky sometimes to find people out there, even if you have plans with them. Koren and I had already agreed to spend Friday night with separate friends, so I was pretty sad to have missed NoGo. Thankfully, Tam was visiting our camp, having just returned from Critical Tits and connecting up with some of my campmates that she'd known from the outside world. Small world. She was great - she held me and listened to me cry and talk and we hung out all night and went to her camp and had a rum and coke (my second drink after the margaritas, other than tequila shots at the Tequila Shack almost every day) and we dropped by Grim's camp and left him a note. (Koren did come by before he took off for the night, and looked under the hood and said he was *pretty* sure he knew what was what, but we should find someone who knows for sure, and he was very comforting and reassured me it would all work out). Also, we had a really nice community dinner Friday night with all of our campmates.

Saturday morning, I set out to track down Grim. I knew of all people, HE would make sure we weren't stranded out there, and he could get me rubbing alcohol from medical and he probably knew a grease monkey or two. He was volunteering with Medical til noon on Saturday, so I had them page him, no luck. I went to his camp and explained my woes yet again to his campmate Ben, who (thank you Ben!!) was willing to come over to the truck and help. He found an outlet in the bottom of the tank where we could siphon from (we weren't expecting this would be there - the Dodge guys told my dad there isn't one), and after a couple different hoses to get the right size and a few hours in the sun to siphon the gas and water out, finally, we had an empty tank. And, there was no water in the fuel pump or lines, because we hadn't started the truck. So we put some gas in (I still had the two gallons I brought) and it started up fine. Ben headed back to his camp (BIMC - 4:30 and Allante) just as the dust storm was coming up, which lasted until about 8 pm. So thanks to Ben, and a few other people who contributed hoses and gas cans and words of encouragement, I was finally able to relax and have a good time on Saturday night. The Man Burn was delayed due to the dust storm, and they cut the fire dancing show, but other than that, we had a great time being out on Burn Night with our campmates.

I usually spend a fair amount of time out there looking out for people - offering gifts of water or apples or pickles or footrubs, making sure people are taken care of and enjoying themselves. This year, I couldn't do that. Although, after Ben left our camp, and the dust storm was in full swing, I ventured out to the porta-potties and I noticed someone in the Snuggleden. I peeked in and offered him some water, which he said he was really grateful for - I gave him both a Vitamin Water and a plain water. Later, he hung out with us at the Burn - turns out he was a friend of our Monkey friends. I thanked him later for being that guy in the Snuggleden - he was the first random person I was able to do something nice for, since my truck situation was finally resolved. It's always more about giving than receiving for me. That kindness made me very happy.

Sunday morning - got up fairly early and started breaking down camp. We left camp about 2:15 pm, and finally made it through Exodus at 6:15. Ate a good meal at Bruno's in Gerlach and got gas (also at Bruno's), and drove straight home. Arrived home at 5:45 am.

I feel like I missed a lot of the experience this year - I did. But it was for me what it was supposed to be. And I'm grateful to be home, and grateful for all the supportive friends and family who made this whole adventure possible. I can't wait to go back next year, this time with better costumes and a different theme camp with a combination of new and old campmates. I don't know what that's going to look like yet, but there will definitely be planning parties at our place in Salem. Next year was always the best year.

****
Special thanks to:
Rick for the trailer and tech support and unloading help when we came home
Dad for loaning us the truck
Bobby and Joe for helping load up the truck
Koren for being super wonderful, a great traveling companion, friend, lover, partner, and campmate
Goo for overpacking - you always had what I needed
Brujo - it wouldn't have been the same without you!
Gene for our power grid and friendship, and enough gas to start our journey home
Mark for your steady presence and conversation
The Flying Monkeys - it was great to camp with you guys!
Barry for the beautiful necklaces. Sorry about your garden hose.
Taija for doing the greywater dirty work
Charley and Cyn for being cool to camp with
NoGo for the empty gas can.
Robyn and George for being supportive and hauling off the hazmat. I still have a gift for you!
Tam for hanging out on Friday night and being supportive during my meltdown.
Ben for being The Man - I'd still be there if it wasn't for you.
Guiness for being the guy in the Snuggleden
Everyone who supported Snuggletown! during the last year to make this happen (you know who you are!)
Sheila and Butch for watching Buddy, and Scuba for wearing him out while I was gone.
And thanks to the Burners who heard our pleas for help on the radio and were willing to give us gas. I love the way this community pulls together!

Current Mood: relieved

The melody of this song is just as beautiful as the lyrics, and it really sums up my approach to relationships. Thank you, John Denver, for ALL the gifts you left us, including this one:

It's up to you
by John Denver

You can do whatever you want to do
Wherever you want to go it's up to you
And wouldn't it be fine
Following your heart, playing your own part

You and me out on a farm, let the sun be our alarm
Kickin' off your shoes, doin' what we choose
And wouldn't it be fine
Knowing that you're mine anytime you want to be

But I don't want to own you
I just want to hold you
I don't want to need you
I just like to see you smile and stay for awhile

And if the times get rough, being free might be enough
To see us through the storm and keep our feelings warm
And wouldn't it be fine
Looking back and knowing that we helped each other find

You can do whatever you want to do
Wherever you want to go it's up to you
And wouldn't it be fine
Following your heart knowing from the start
It's up to you
It's up to you
It's up to you

You know at the end of the intro to Monty Python's Flying Circus, there's a foot that comes down on whatever's happening - with a splat and a sound I can't begin to spell... anyway, last Tuesday, it was like that foot squished me. Splat. Life was super overwhelming for a few hours and I became aware of the reality of some (maybe all?) of my fears.

I think I know what the triggers were. One, PMS - which usually doesn't affect me much, which is why this was pretty surprising to me. I'm usually pretty even no matter where I'm at in the month. Two, I'd just gotten my tattoo done two days before. My whole body was hurting, and given the location of the tattoo and where I was in my cycle, it made sense that it would trigger me. Lots of energy and pain all over my body that needed release. Also, I was disappointed about not being able to get together with a friend I had sketchy plans with, and ended up taking myself out to dinner and thinking over my life, feeling quite single and lonely, yet full of fear about connecting with someone (also quite unusual for me). The final straw was a curt comment from my housemate, which I normally might have let roll off my back but with all the other factors it set off an avalanche of emotion that only self-medicating with some nighttime cold medicine was able to quell. I read somewhere that it's always better to cry with someone - and I agree. Lots of people come to me with their troubles, and what I learned that night is that I need some practice reaching out and asking for what I need. I reached out to one person and since I didn't know what to say or how to ask for what I needed, or even what I needed, he gave me a perfectly appropriate response given the limited information I gave him.

Now that I have some clarity, I'm noticing my fears, and my darker emotions and thoughts. I'm aware that I really need to do some shadow work right now - accepting those negative parts of myself. I can journal about that on my own, and I've been reading bits and pieces of a couple books on the topic... funny how the right book or song or conversation will come along when the channels are open for receiving that. Or, coming across another person's blog sometimes really speaks to me. Thank you to those people who are willing to put themselves out there so publicly so I can see myself in your mirror - I really appreciate what you share, even if I don't comment on it.

Maybe as I work through this I'll be brave enough to post more specifics about my process. Or not. Either way, writing it out or sharing it with a close friend makes it much less overwhelming and more manageable. I think I'll go do some of that right now.

Get an answer: http://qafool.blogspot.com/

I'd like to write something flowery about 2007, and sketch out my intentions for 2008 - I'm finding it interesting reading others', but I'm just not there yet. Today I thought of putting a sign up somewhere in the house where I'll see it regularly - THIS IS IT. To remind me that this is what is, it may not be like I'd like to see it in my mind, but it's right there in front of me. This is my life. It's not what it's gonna be Someday. This is Someday to where I was 5 years ago. This is my life, now. If I don't like it, I'll take steps to change it, or not, with the awareness that if I don't change it, I must accept it without bitching about it.

It's been a nice couple of days of me-time. With the exception of one night hanging out with parents and an unexpected and wonderful visit from a lover, I've spent much of the last 3 days, or 2 weeks, rather, at home and doing me-things. I'm starting to get used to it, and I feel like I'm closer to the edge of actual motivation to make sweeping changes in my life. Tomorrow I'll be jumping over that edge.

Today I left the house for a while - I went to the Laundromat (why does that word have to be capitalized?) with my two big comforters and enjoyed the HUGE washers and dryers there. What a pain that would have been do to at home! It was kind of fun really. The owner (?) was really helpful and chatty and it was nice to interact with total strangers of the general public for the first time in a few days. My comforters are clean, too, which is a big thing off my to-do list. Found a good journal at Borders while I waited, and I'm ready to start my fast again tomorrow - starting the New Year with a clean slate and a healthy dose of motivation to keep my system clean and in good working order.

I struggle every year about going out on New Years. This year I had many fabulous invitations, and there's parties going on that I already regret missing... but it's probably my most difficult holiday for going out, for a variety of reasons. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. Anyway, what I decided to do is go to a friends' house, here in town - there'll be a few generations and species represented, and I can wear my pajamas, and Buddy and I both can spend the night. For someone with my social life, it feels a bit funny to not have a 'date'. But - THIS IS IT. This is my life. I'm grateful for everything in my life, and this is just one night... I can't put too much weight on wether or not I have a 'date' for tonight or not. It does make me miss my Scorpio/Pea/dumbass a bit, though. *sigh* I guess I'll have to do another ritual to let go of him, because the first one has worn off.

Speaking of rituals - it's been three years now since I gave up my Taco Bell addiction - that ritual was pretty powerful (12/27/04, cold turkey, and I haven't looked back - and I was a 4-times a week addict since high school). Maybe this year I'll do more of this type of ritual - to clear away toxic things in my life and make room for things that nurture and sustain me. (Here I go - reflecting on last year/setting intentions for next year...). This year I spent a lot of time in Neutral. Not giving, not receiving, just being. I notice that I feel better, more connected, when I give. Especially after spending a few days at home reflecting on things, I notice that my life is richer when I give of myself. Particularly to people to appreciate it and give in return, although that's not completely necessary because attachment is its own can of worms.

To all who read this - I wish you the very best 2008 has to offer - may it be the year you finally (fill in the blank) because life's too short. This is your life. Right now. Live it!

Peace.

Current Mood: pensive

I guess this slowing down and laying low stuff is lasting quite a while. I just haven't felt like blogging. I don't really feel like it right now, but people are starting to notice it's been a while and they're asking if I'm still alive. My spirits have actually been quite positive for this time of year - please don't read depression into my words - I've just been doing other things besides blogging. And, I've gotten kind of overwhelmed at keeping up with all of you this way, here, and on MySpace and on Tribe - different communities, but lots of people. I'm blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. I prefer to keep up in person, although that's even more time-consuming than catching up on line, and expensive for those who live far away. Ah, well, I'm just going through a lull in my blogging life and maybe it'll come back soon, maybe it won't. Either way, know that I wish good health, happiness, and success in whatever form is meaningful to you for the coming year - to all of you - yes, even you! =)

For those of you who might be wondering if I'm ever actually going to ride my motorcycle... know that I took the Team Oregon class this weekend - and PASSED! =) Whoo hoo! All I need now is to take the card they gave me to DMV and get a new license with my endorsement on it, and, how timely - a short-haired picture of me as well. Thanks to Grim for offering up a trickle charger... I'll be out riding at my next opportunity. And mad props to Laura for taking the class with me - and passing it too. Woot!

Current Mood: accomplished

October. For me, the month of transition from summer to winter. When the universe tells me it's okay to slow down for a spell, in fact, PLEASE slow down a bit. Get a hold of yourself. Get a hold of something or someone warm and comfy. Spend less money. Eat less. Nest. Prepare upstairs healing space for receiving clients. Watch some movies. Build a fire. It's okay to say no. Saying no to some things is saying yes to me. Taking care of myself. Caterpillar goes into a cocoon, comes out a butterfly in spring.

I got the message. I'm slowing down. I'm saying no to things. I'm on the fence about Diversion and Polyween, but my first thought right now is no. If it becomes a yes, I want the yes to come from the right place. From an inner knowing that it's where I'm supposed to be. That it's really a yes for ME, not for someone else.

I am saying yes to taking care of myself. I'm saying yes to motorcycle class this weekend, to house/dog-sitting next weekend, to doing my seasonal fast somewhere around Samhain (which now feels more right than it did at Equinox), saying yes to SantaCon. I'm saying yes to a small handful of people for now, but not every and anything that comes up. There's power in choice. And I'm making my choices a little more carefully right now. Laying low.

So if I say no to you in the next few months, don't take it personally - know that I'm taking care of myself and the butterfly you'll see in spring might just say yes, if you ask again.

Current Mood: pensive

There is a vitality,
a life force,
an energy,
a quickening
that is translated through you into action
and because there is only one you in all of time,
this expression is unique.

And if you block it,
it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.
The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is
nor how valuable,
nor how it compares with other expressions.

It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly
to keep the channel open.

You do not have to believe in yourself
or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to
the urges that motivate you.
Keep the channel open.

No artist is pleased.
There is no satisfaction whatever, at any time.
There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest
that keeps us marching
and makes us more alive
than the others.

Martha Graham
to Agnes de Mille
in "Dance to the Piper"

Last Tuesday I (finally) took my state massage boards, and I found out today that - I passed! So I'm mailing off a hundred bones today and will have license in hand in a week or so when I get it back from them.

Looks like this weekend is about getting my massage room ready at home! Whoo hoo!

Current Mood: bouncy

Now on display at OMSI, until October 7.
Go see this. It's incredible.

http://www.omsi.edu/visit/featured/bodyworlds/

Current Mood: indescribable

He's a scorpio. I'm a leo.
Regardless of past lives together, in this life it doesn't look like we're a good match.
It's a train wreck, though - I can't look away.

Last weekend I had a date with the Pea (from a prior post), and when I left we actually had made plans to get together again ... tonight. This felt like progress. For once, when we parted ways, I had some idea of when I'd hear from him or see him again. (One reason I'm wanting to distance myself from this one is because it's so frustrating to not know when or if I'm going to see him within, oh, six weeks or so.)

So the energy of an impending date on Saturday night sort of carried me thru the week. In the back of my mind I doubted - if he cancels, will my good mood have been in vain? I decided no, because I was still in a good mood from the (still valid) anticipation of seeing him again. If he cancels, I can be sad then, but it doesn't negate any positive energy I had before being canceled-upon.

Funny how I had this little thought process, because - guess what? He canceled. Now, I'm sad, but it doesn't make my good mood of this week all for naught.

I'm riding a line between being the supportive (girl)friend and offering no-questions asked support for his family emergency - again, a pattern in my life - and telling him I'm done giving energy to this for a while unless he wants to pick up the ball and run with it.

The bigger question, though, is when one's behavior is motivated by a promised reward, then the reward doesn't come as expected, does it invalidate the positive behavior? I think eventually one may become jaded (maybe I am, since in the back of my mind I expected he'd cancel), but it makes it interesting to ponder this nonetheless.

Thankfully, I'm pretty good at rolling with the punches. My dog's at the sitter. I may pick him up later this evening, but I'm enjoying the break from responsibility and time to organize my photos from Burning Man tonight, and just generally having some unexpected time to myself. Maybe there's a message in that somewhere. I get it - loud and clear.

Burning Man this year, for me was... well, how can I sum it up into one adjective? It wasn't as life-changing as the other burns have been (this was #4 for me, consecutively), unless I don't know it yet. I feel like a veteran now. Like I can pick myself up and live there just like I live here - it's not a big deal, really. The weather made it very comfortable this year. The absence of personal drama, or close connection to someone else's personal drama, made things roll pretty smoothly for me. I camped with Tango Beso - there were about a dozen of us, and I think our biggest problem was that often times we had too much rice. I was concerned before going mainly about two things: lack of community (people) because most of my friends were camped all over the place, and food (Tango Beso didn't do community food like Snuggletown! did). Well, I left it to the winds of fate to run into friends, and sometimes I did, but most of the time I spent by myself or with new friends. I kind of fell in love with time to myself on the playa. I feel safe there, at night, at least before Saturday night when things get out of control, and the weather at night was amazing - clear and warm every night. And the food thing worked out fine. I brought enough to take care of myself, and a little to share and it all worked out. Next year, I'd still like to manifest better sleeping quarters and shade structure, and definitely will have wheels. I got a LOT of walking in this year without a bicycle, and I know I missed a lot of deep playa art because of it.

Highlights: traveling with Chrissie again, our adventure in K Falls on the way down, sharing my tent with Samuel, being part of Tango Beso, regular visits to Koren's camp (BRBT) clear across the city, the eclipse (I stayed up that late!) and watching the man burn on Monday night, wearing Birkenstocks for more than just the nightly trip to the port-a-potty, using a pee funnel for the first time, meeting my soulmate through Costco, the blinky thing (Cubatron), having a digital camera, meeting Jesus, hanging out at the Moonshine Tavern, the beauty of watching Rain and her daughter create their whole experience together, receiving postal mail from two people outside of BRC, the temple burn, traveling home with Chrissie ("packing 10 pounds of shit in a 5-pound sack"), and coming home to a couple of messages and later a visit with the "pea under my mattress".

There's a blogg-able story to every one of my highlights, and even more where those came from...so for the sake of brevity I'm leaving out a lot here. Visit me in person and you'll hear a lot more details, or not. Honestly this year for me: Just Was. Nothing super exciting stuck out - I just went with the flow of things and really enjoyed it. Things are different in Black Rock City, and I'm reminded of things I can do to make my life more authentic here at home. For another 50 weeks, I'll practice that, then go back for another reminder. Lots of ideas for next year, will appear in another blog, or not. I guess I went there with some ideas about detachment - not getting too attached to any one thing or any expectation or experience, and I came away with that as well. I felt a lot more solid and grounded coming home than I have in years past. I remember after my first Burn, I would tear up every time I thought about or talked about it. The emotion's still there, but not as raw as it was that first year. I did watch a braid of my hair burn from my April haircut (the first big one), and with it burned the parts of myself that hair represented. Now with super short hair, it feels like an opportunity to recreate myself over and over again.

I'm feeling the season change. Time to prepare for hibernation. But first...these things are on my plate right now. Stay tuned for further updates:

massage boards scheduled for 9/25
co-hostessing a baby shower on 9/22
the grueling-but-interesting-in-a-perverse-way process of Regulatory Redesign at work
PPD training (at work, also grueling)
how to maintain pink hair
the usual money stuff although things are looking up
putting more energy into the yummy men in my life
my walking/running program
yard maintenance
cleaning & unpacking from Burning Man (WAH! I LIKE playa dust all over my stuff!)
dealing with photos from Burning Man
motorcycle safety class the weekend of 10/11 (finally!)
seasonal fasting (somewhere around equinox, for 9-ish days)
getting my upstairs ready and presentable for massage clients
getting ready for BM08!! =)

Once again, I’ve gotten my heart tangled up with a really wonderful person who’s not available.
This makes me sad.

We met a time or two before, years ago, but really connected this past December.
He feels like home to me.
He sees me – and calls me on shit. I couldn’t hide who I am around him if I wanted to.
He is who he is – no smoke & mirrors.
I feel safe with him.
He fascinates me.
He’s funny, silly, goofy.
He treats me with old-fashioned respect and consideration, and speaks gangsta.
He takes good care of himself and he loves my dog.
We domesticate well together.
He’s the first person in a long time I’ve felt called to consider in my decision-making process. Alas, it’s not reciprocal. And, I know enough about myself now to know that this is the magic formula to bring out the high-maintenance side of me, a shadow side I don’t want to admit I have. (On a side note, maybe I’ve gone so far to avoid being high-maintenance, that I’ve denied myself the right to regular maintenance, and thus not done a good job taking care of myself in relationships).

At first, I noticed myself looking for fault in him. It made me aware of a pattern I have – to date someone long enough to find enough faults that I can justify breaking up with them before they get too close and see my faults and break up with me first. I noticed this pattern, and with this one, I decided to change it. I stopped looking for fault in him, and I considered what it would be like to partner with him.

Now, enough time has passed that I’m noticing a few faults. Or are they, really? Is it his fault that I hear from him less often than I’d like? Or is that my unmet expectations? Is it his fault that I get frustrated sometimes talking with him? Or is it my failure to assert myself? Is it his fault that he’s my social opposite? Actually, I feel balanced by his homebody-ness, so long as he doesn’t restrict my freedoms, which he doesn’t. Yet it would be worth it for me to travel the homebody path with him for a while, or at least discover a happy medium that works for me.

He’s the pea under my mattress, he says, when I tell him he’s a lot of work. It’s true.

Maybe his only fault is that he’s unavailable, by his own choice, because of his fears. He says “you only go once around the ride” yet somehow that adventurous spirit doesn’t apply to matters of the heart (his heart) – or does it? How can I judge his guarded heart when mine is also guarded?

My heart is sad right now. I wish I could see him like I see my Divine Mortal Mirror. To accept what is, to give love without expectation or attachment to response. But I’m ready for more than that. I’m ready for a partner with my Pea’s good qualities, who is also willing to reciprocate. I’m grateful for the things he’s taught me, and with much sadness I must take my heart a step back until I can with all honesty see him as another Divine Mortal Mirror in my life.

It’s time to take my own advice. Detach, yet still give with an open heart. Let go of expectations. Accept what is. See him like all the other wonderful yummy divine mirrors in my life, and be grateful for what we do have together, even though my heart longs for more.

Current Mood: melancholy

If you feel called to send me a love note or something while I'm at Burning Man, here's my address:

Mango
Tango Beso
9:00 plaza @ 8:45
Burning Man
Black Rock City, NV 89412

Items mailed between 8/23 and 8/27 should arrive before I leave there on Labor Day. Mail it early to assure there's time for on-playa delivery.

And good news - Mom and Dad gave me a digital camera for my birthday yesterday, so as soon as I figure out how to use it, I'll post some updated pictures. Hooray!

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Alanis Morissette

What's wrong with this picture? (would someone like to show me how to insert a photo into my blog posting in LifeJournal?)

These are the files that an insurance company PRINTED for us to audit today, from their 'paperless' computer system. I was so mad I actually cried. At work. Why am I the only one who is outraged by this? And why are people aware of it only because it upsets me? "Don't waste paper, it'll upset Kristi..." WTF? I can only hope this dozen or so REAMS of paper ended up in the recycle bin, at the very least.

They were all printed (one-sided, btw) just for this audit. From their 'paperless' computer system. What really sucks is that 99% of it was stuff I didn't need to look at, and most of THAT was duplicate copies of unnecessary stuff to boot. Access to their computer system might have saved goodness knows how many trees (and we all know a forest isn't JUST trees!) - but it might have risked us finding out something else they didn't want us to see. It makes sense they're afraid of us because we just issued them a $5 million (yes, you read that right) penalty... but, oh, do I wish I was in the business today of issuing penalties for wasting paper!

And then to spend the day contemplating what to do with my anger, how to make it constructive (I worked 24 of the 46 files, when there were 4 of us on the project, because, in my anger, I was highly focused and productive), and - to figure out how to make sure this doesn't happen again.

How can these people be alive in the Northwest, in Portland, and not be aware that printing this much unnecessary paper is NOT OKAY? How can I turn this anger into compassion and still get my job done? I bit my tongue a lot today. I was so mad I could hardly talk about it. Being an only child, I don't have a lot of practice externally expressing anger, however, I choose my words carefully and avoid blaming, attacking, generalizing, and saying things that are not helpful. This was a huge challenge for me. Bottle it up? Say something? Kick something? So many potential reactions. Thankfully I'm levelheaded enough and professional that I just did my job, realizing that, sadly enough, this kind of thing happens all over the planet all the time, and this is just the little piece of it that's in front of me right now. How do I not let this anger get the best of me and ruin my day? How does my Higher Self choose to react in response to this? How do I not say something I regret, or that's inappropriate at work (remember I'm a government regulator in an insurance company's office, and anything I say or do represents the State)? And how do I not internalize this so I don't create dis-ease within my body? And what can I do about the mindset that created this? Overlooking it won't solve the problem. Quitting my job won't solve the problem. Calling Michael Moore...well, he'd increase awareness for sure, but it still won't solve the problem.

The biggest question of the day, though - why am I the only one who is SO outraged that this happens? I got out of the recycling-nazi business because I'm so passionate about it people were seeing me as just that. People shouldn't recycle (or in this case PREVENT WASTE) just to keep ME from getting upset... they should do it for the same reason I do - because it's the right thing to do.

Current Mood: pissed off

June and July have been busy months! In June, I went to NC to visit Grim for a long weekend. Some friends of his prepared a beautiful allergy-free meal for me (us) when I arrived, I spent the next day with a new friend, then headed to Wrightsville Beach where we stayed at a beautiful home belonging to the family of one of his friends. The trip was more about him than me - lots of conversation about what is next for him. My personal highlights: butterscotch pie, new friendship, massage, a long walk, and falling in love with the Atlantic ocean. Did y'all know ocean water is WARM in some places on this planet? Wow! I can't wait to get into that warm salt water again.

The next weekend was Summer Solstice at Breitenbush. This year I intended to go as a paying guest, after volunteering at the event for the previous 8 years (5 in registration/parking and 3 in massage). I actually was gifted my admission from a staff member, so I was actually a guested guest, with no responsibilities whatsoever other than to take care of myself, for 3 days. I did my quarterly fast over this time also, so I didn't even have to eat. It was great. I learned, though, that *not* giving doesn't feel comfortable to me. Like, I wanted to go and be in this neutral space, of not taking and not giving, but just being.... I spent a lot of time thinking about the balance of give and take in my life, and I used this weekend as a practice in being neutral. It wasn't comfortable, but I stuck with it. I learned that I really like being involved in events, volunteering, giving massage, giving of myself in whatever form feels right in the moment - I'm not one of those people who remains neutral, or one that takes more than I receive. To a fault, I tend to give more than I receive, though - and I'm working on getting that back in balance.

The week/end of the fourth of July, I got the outline done of a tattoo I've had in the works for quite some time. It's really beautiful. The color will be finished in stages, in the next month or two. Stay tuned for pictures. I went from there to the hospital, where I was support for one of my best friends having a baby... such an honor to be able to be there for her... and a beautiful Fort Vancouver fireworks show from the hospital room. She ended up having a c-section the next day, and I spent the rest of the weekend recovering from the endorphin rush from the tattoo and the sleep deprivation of the night of the Fourth.

The following weekend was a camping trip to Cape Blanco (the south coast of Oregon, near Port Orford, and also the westernmost point on the continental US) - an annual trip with coworkers. Buddy had a great time, and was super worn out when we came back. (He'd also been on vacation to two different places while I was in NC and at Breitenbush, since he couldn't go to either of those places with me.) That was fun, although not as much fun as last year, I don't think. It was mainly couples and families (9 kids ranging from almost 4 months to 15, and 8 adults - we were outnumbered!). I spent a lot of time thinking about how it felt to be there alone, as a single person, with my dog. I'm pretty solid about being single because I have so many wonderful people in my life meeting all types of my various needs... but sometimes it would be nice to have another human around for companionship. And one that will *help* with things, like packing for camping and cooking and packing up the tent and sharing the driving and the cleanup chores when we got home. A highlight: with one of the grown-up's help, covering one of the three vents in my tent with fabric, to block the dust at Burning Man. Anyone want to help me with the other two? Sadly, it's not a one-person job, and asking for help is not my favorite thing.

The weekend after that was SOAK - the regional Burning Man event. And, guess what? I volunteered! I was much more in my element with a job to do and something to feel like I was contributing and giving something of myself. Buddy and I volunteered 2 shifts at Greeters, which was rewarding not just in meeting people but in supporting the greeters with a cooler, ice, rum and cokes, chairs, fritos, and whatever else was needed that I happened to have handy. SOAK was bigger than last year - more people, more art. And, although many of my friends were there, I still had some of that lonely thing going on. I didn't really feel connected to people, especially Saturday night, the night of the Burn - and - being responsible for Buddy when he was scared from all the noise was kind of a drag. Next year, I'll either leave him at home, or at least take him home at night (thankfully I live close). It really made me realize, though, that going to BM this year without the umbrella of Snuggletown!, I'm really going to have to create my own experience. I don't want to be alone on Burn night in a crowd of 40,000+ people. And if I am, it's my own damn fault. Highlight: opportunistic snuggling and such with a friend from Portland, the rubber duck race, greeting (and Buddy greeting), and the music, fire, and mayhem the night of the Burn. And the tea party. And the burbon and bacon happy hour.

That brings me to this weekend. Yesterday I spent the entire day recreating my bedroom into a clutter-free, guest-friendly place where I can go to ground and recharge my batteries. This room looks dramatically different than the rest of my house, and I can feel its energy spreading room to room - soon I hope the rest of my house looks and feels like this. Tomorrow I'll start work on my massage room. I've got a ways to go before I'm ready to see clients there.

My hair has been gradually changing since about April (I don't have a digital camera, or I might have posted a pic or two)... and it's headed to a mohawk-able style for Burning Man, which I intend to color hot pink or purple or something... I found these hair colors at Sally that glow under a black light! After Burning Man, I'll probably grow it back out a little, and certainly will color it something a bit more work-appropriate. The funny thing is, I *have* to be back at work on Tuesday, the day after Labor Day, for some training, and I promised to at least shower once or twice, but they're going to have to live with the color of my hair for a week or so until I can color it back. So long as I don't have to have contact with the public (it's all training that week) I should be okay. There's nothing in the dress code about hair color... ;)

Goals for BM this year: complete the fabric on the vents in my tent, be prepared, but not overprepared, and create my own experience by a) being a deliverator for Spatial Delivery, and/or b) volunteering at Greeters, and/or c) volunteering at the airport, and d) getting out there and creating my experience.

Goals for the coming months:
- prepare for Burning Man (tent, hair, costumes, supplies)
- get tattoo colored
- schedule, take, and pass massage exam (state)
- schedule, take, and pass motorcycle class
- maintain & improve my diet
- follow through with exercise program (I'm finally beginning one I've wanted to do for a long time. I'll probably keep that private for now, but may toot my horn about it now and then, as I reach my goals).

stuff's going on. i haven't been much into blogging. sorry.
i'm not depressed - far from it - just busy and blogging hasn't been on my priority list.
if you keep in touch with me this way, try contacting me personally - i'd love to hear from you!
there's something so much more authentic about in-person connections for me right now.

but, some updates:

i'm loving my job. finally after a year i feel like i kind of know what i'm doing. i may hang in this groove until retirement, at age 48, then do massage or some type of healing/intuitive work when i'm not dependent on the income.

my house is coming together. i have a garage. i'm doing some yardwork. the sun is out. still not legal on my motorcycle, thus, haven't been riding. hope to take the class again next month.

i'm still dating a variety of people, no one primary, though. met one in december i felt called to include in my decision making process, but we're not on the same page. lest i become high maintenance, i must back off. the catalyst has come around a bit, and backed off as well. he must do his thing before he's ready, and i get that. another new person is quite enjoyable, but who knows where that will go. in the meantime, a couple steady snuggle partners and some lovers i feel really comfy with. would be nice to have the primary thing going on though. in time.

massage boards scheduled soon. stay tuned. passed the nationals - the state ones are coming in the coming weeks.

diet update: found out about some food allergies (the best thing i've ever done): wheat/gluten/barley/rye/spelt/whey/milk/garlic/blueberries/pineapple/banana/eggs/soy. thankfully - no: nuts/corn/rice/oats. by doing a 9-day fast and drastically reducing these things from my diet, my energy level is thru the roof and i'm finding less need for antidepressants. whoo hoo! i'm doing the 9-day fast quarterly, coming up again at solstice - kind of a quarterly reset button - because i'm not perfect and i still indulge cravings for sugar (baskin robbins in particular), alcohol, and (not often) wheat flour. between the summer solstice and fall equinox fasts, now that my eating habits are well under control, i'll be working on losing some weight. stay tuned.

speaking of losing weight - i've lost a couple pounds of HAIR. my hair is getting shorter every haircut and will likely be a funky color for burning man (a braid of my long hair will go to the temple at burning man, to release all that represents to me). i might grow it out somewhat after burning man, but i like it short so much i'll prolly keep it this way for a while. no digital camera = no pics for you yet. sorry!

i bought an ipod. i've entered the world of mp3 technology, although i still don't fully understand it. happy to teach you - since that's the best way to learn.

lots going on this summer - a trip to nc/grim, breitenbush, tlc, cape blanco, soak, motorcycle class, burning man, and starting my massage practice after returning from burning man.

thanks to everyone who's keeping in touch with me offline. you rock my world.

Current Mood: grateful